Give Her a Chance

“We’re back to square one…”
 
It’s a thought I’ve heard expressed many times in my office as a client describes the aftereffects and consequences of a triggering situation involving his spouse or partner. Many of us are familiar with the frustration, felt helplessness, and shame that can morph over time into despair, self-pity or resentment. We mask the corrosion with a laugh or sense of resignation.
 
“We’re back to square one” captures these feelings marvelously. However, I believe that image is faulty. It is a metaphor based on the premise of linear progression in recovery. It also has a more subtle, hidden purpose: to protect the addict from deeper awareness and vulnerability.
 
Let me begin by breaking down the metaphor. It implies that recovery is a straight journey from point A to point B that can be tracked and evaluated. The unstated goal of this model is “progress;” which is usually formulated in the addict’s mind to mean lack of conflict and avoidance of unpleasant feelings as much as possible. A frequent corollary is that the “tools” learned in therapy are employed with the same avoidant intent.
 
This combination of evaluation and unconscious wish creates a major stumbling block to recovery. The experience of a triggering event is interpreted as a “failure.” Seen this way, progress is not occurring toward point B. The immature addict’s deep shame and anxiety overwhelm him, and he reacts in ways that are counterproductive and even abusive. Sadly, this often induces an ongoing shame cycle. Defensive attempts to place blame for the triggering event and its effects derail efforts to gain a deeper understanding of what occurred.
 
I have had some success in introducing a different metaphor to reach a different outcome when a triggering event occurs. I ask clients to imagine standing near the water on a beach, observing the tide come in. At any given moment, it appears that the water is not rising at all. At others, as the water covers our toes, we are surprised at how high up the beach the water has come. Neither moment tells the whole story, though. It is only over time that it can be seen how the tide steadily rises as the water does its work. Patience and understanding are necessary to perceive the consistent rise of the tide and that low moments are part of the process. I believe this is a much more useful metaphor for relationship recovery.
 
Understanding recovery in this way, a triggering event is not an impediment, but an opportunity to nurture the wounded partner and experience authentic connection. Simply saying you’re sorry, “mansplaining,” or shifting blame onto the partner are acts of selfishness and abuse. What is appropriate is for the addict to accept and acknowledge the impact of his actions and words, stay with the pain, and be transparent and honest about his motives. To do so, the addict must be doing his own work of reaching into the depths with rigorous honesty, understanding and grace.
 
Doug Weiss says that to understand is to have the courage and love to “stand under” your partner to yield control, listen and feel the fear and distress caused. True intimacy will deepen when we attend to our partners and seek to attune to them without defenses. “Give her a chance” is a beautiful expression of how to open yourself to the power and potential of the moment when a trigger event occurs. Don’t run away. The goal of recovery is finding the grace to move deeper without fear. Forget about moving forward, that’s an illusion. Your job is simply to be here.