|
“We’re back to square one…”
It’s a thought I’ve heard expressed many times in my office as a client describes the aftereffects and consequences of a triggering situation involving his spouse or partner. Many of us are familiar with the frustration, felt helplessness, and shame that can morph over time into despair, self-pity or resentment. We mask the corrosion with a laugh or sense of resignation. “We’re back to square one” captures these feelings marvelously. However, I believe that image is faulty. It is a metaphor based on the premise of linear progression in recovery. It also has a more subtle, hidden purpose: to protect the addict from deeper awareness and vulnerability. Let me begin by breaking down the metaphor. It implies that recovery is a straight journey from point A to point B that can be tracked and evaluated. The unstated goal of this model is “progress;” which is usually formulated in the addict’s mind to mean lack of conflict and avoidance of unpleasant feelings as much as possible. A frequent corollary is that the “tools” learned in therapy are employed with the same avoidant intent. This combination of evaluation and unconscious wish creates a major stumbling block to recovery. The experience of a triggering event is interpreted as a “failure.” Seen this way, progress is not occurring toward point B. The immature addict’s deep shame and anxiety overwhelm him, and he reacts in ways that are counterproductive and even abusive. Sadly, this often induces an ongoing shame cycle. Defensive attempts to place blame for the triggering event and its effects derail efforts to gain a deeper understanding of what occurred. I have had some success in introducing a different metaphor to reach a different outcome when a triggering event occurs. I ask clients to imagine standing near the water on a beach, observing the tide come in. At any given moment, it appears that the water is not rising at all. At others, as the water covers our toes, we are surprised at how high up the beach the water has come. Neither moment tells the whole story, though. It is only over time that it can be seen how the tide steadily rises as the water does its work. Patience and understanding are necessary to perceive the consistent rise of the tide and that low moments are part of the process. I believe this is a much more useful metaphor for relationship recovery. Understanding recovery in this way, a triggering event is not an impediment, but an opportunity to nurture the wounded partner and experience authentic connection. Simply saying you’re sorry, “mansplaining,” or shifting blame onto the partner are acts of selfishness and abuse. What is appropriate is for the addict to accept and acknowledge the impact of his actions and words, stay with the pain, and be transparent and honest about his motives. To do so, the addict must be doing his own work of reaching into the depths with rigorous honesty, understanding and grace. Doug Weiss says that to understand is to have the courage and love to “stand under” your partner to yield control, listen and feel the fear and distress caused. True intimacy will deepen when we attend to our partners and seek to attune to them without defenses. “Give her a chance” is a beautiful expression of how to open yourself to the power and potential of the moment when a trigger event occurs. Don’t run away. The goal of recovery is finding the grace to move deeper without fear. Forget about moving forward, that’s an illusion. Your job is simply to be here.
0 Comments
C.S. Lewis published The Great Divorce in 1945 as a response to William Blake’s poem,
The Marriage of Heaven and Hell. The book is not about marital divorce. Rather, it gives an account of the afterlife for those who still cling to earthly fears and proud beliefs, mistaking them for True Love. In this story, any soul can enter Heaven when they relinquish fear, pride, vengeance, grief, and other impediments to Life in the Spirit. At one point, a soul approaches Heaven, arguing with a little red dragon attached to his shoulder, whispering in his ear. The soul slows down, smiles slightly, and turns back toward his existence in Hell. Just then, he is confronted by an angel, who asks if he can kill the dragon, which is revealed as lustful fantasy and desire. The back and forth between the angel and the soul is darkly humorous and sad. Any sexual addict will recognize the rationalizations, the anger, the mistrust, and finally, the despair and fear. The soul yields and the angel rips the dragon off the soul and throttles it, throwing it to the ground. This act causes intense pain in the soul, followed by relief and thanksgiving, as the soul embraces the angel, shedding tears of joy. A transformation rapidly occurs as the soul evolves from a dark, oily shadow into a golden, magnificent human figure. Even more surprising, far from dying, the lizard begins to writhe and changes into a glorious horse with a shining mane and tail. The surrounding land trembles with joy as the man bounds onto the horse’s back and powerfully rides into the mountains and stars in the East. What a marvelous parable for recovery! Only with help can we admit our isolation and confront our denial. Only in the grace of a Higher Power can we accept ourselves as we are and have the courage to face the fears and grievances that bind us, to let them go. Only by surrender, no longer denying reality and foolishly fighting what we have no power over, do we find true power to escape. Only in this moment, always, do we make the decision to seek God’s will for our own good and that of the world. I find the most amazing and insightful part of the story is the transformation of the little red dragon. What we would naturally perceive as an enemy and an evil to be utterly destroyed becomes the means by which the soul enters Heaven! Recovery can incorporate all parts of ourselves in the light of grace. The flaws of the soul are transformed into true strength and vitality, as evidenced by the humility and gratitude of the transformed soul. This story invites you to ask if this transformation is possible for us in the light of grace? Richard Rohr has written, “God has trapped us all inside of certain grace and created all things human with a constant need for mercy.” Our acceptance of the love God has for each of us and the trusting surrender that follows can bring all of us into the fullness of life. |
ArchivesCategories |
RSS Feed